Broken
by El loopy
Summary: '"Do you ever wish…" She didn't finish. His expression was unreadable. Unknowable. It stilled her. Of course he wished.' Set during season one. Alex and Simon have a conversation in the night. Alex x Simon. Canon Alex x Ryan and Simon x Rina. Oneshot.


Broken

It was late, or early. The apartment was dark, everything cloaked in the suffocating blanket. She could hear the noise of the city from outside but even that seemed oddly far away. The artificial light creeping under blinds from streetlight made half visible shapes.

Being able to partially see only seemed to make it all more dreamlike. Sleep eluded her, as it did most nights, her mind tossing and turning and puzzling.

She missed Quantico. On a night like this she would have been out running already. She missed the sharp cold of the night air in a wood, the tang that only the earth could provide.

Alex sighed and sat up. Slowly she made her way to the door, the floorboards cool against her feet and, with practised silence, eased the door open. She didn't want to wake Simon. The artificial glow emanating from the sofa highlighted his silhouette. A laptop out of sight. She moved out on soft feet, deliberately creaking a floorboard. Don't startle an FBI agent – current or former. The silhouette tilted a little, as he moved to look at her and she just caught the edge of a lip curl, rueful.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" he asked softly, the hour and darkness demanding it.

She smiled a little back, not that he could see.

"Thought I might indulge in a childhood treat." Her voice was less soft. The darkness took off the edge but could not stifle her completely.

"What's that then?"

"Hot chocolate the way my Mom used to make it." Her voice broke a little, so much innocence gone. Regret was a fierce burning. "Shall I make you some?"

He looked at her a long moment before she heard the reply. "Sure. I'd like that." The drawl curled through his words with a hint of thankfulness. She wondered at his pause. Had he been counting regrets as well? Or just deciding if he deserved to step into the memory she'd offered to share? She didn't ask. Just like they didn't ask about what had kept them awake this time. She told herself it was the identity of The Voice, but that was only partially true. There were bodies and blood enough under the carpets, in the closets of their minds, piled up, just waiting to tumble out.

Simon placed the laptop to one side on the coffee table as she approached with the mugs, the screen's glow lighting up the room and their faces. Alex settled herself on the floor and leaned back against his legs, their solidness reassuring. She passed the mug over her shoulder so that they both sat, connected, as though that would amplify something, holding scalding sweetness and staring at the same screen. The heat was almost painful. It kept her grounded.

"You know, you don't need to stay up all night on that." She looked pointedly at the laptop and felt Simon shrug.

"What else am I to do?"

 _What else am I good for?_ She heard it although he didn't say it.

They sat in silence and drank the liquid memories. Alex leaned her head back against Simon's knees.

"You know, my Mom swears by this stuff." Her voice had been infiltrated by the dark and now had the same softened edges. "Sent me to sleep every time."

Simon murmured, a little tongue-in-cheek, "Is it working?"

Alex let out the laugh in an exhaled chuckle, more self-deprecating than anything else.

"No." Her smile faded, and she paused too long, allowed her mouth to open as regret bit deep and poisonous. "There's no quick fix anymore is there?"

He was silent for too long as well.

"No."

The darkness was doing its work. She put her drink to one side and spun a little, so she could look up at Simon's face. She rested her arm along his knees and her cheek on her arm.

"Do you ever wish…" She didn't finish. His expression was unreadable. Unknowable. It stilled her. Of course he wished. Simon let a sad smile turn up a corner of his mouth.

"How were you going to finish that Alex?"

There was something there that sent a flash of awareness through her and she felt that familiar hunger tear at her insides.

"There are too many options," she replied. The hunger was distracting. She didn't really want what it asked for, but it demanded anyway. Reassurance, whispered the dark. Comfort. Connection. Love. Physical intimacy.

"Why couldn't I have fallen in love with you Simon?" It tripped out of her mouth, treacherously and she waited for him to bolt. Instead though he smiled, and it was a genuine one, full of gentleness.

"I'm too broken."

She knelt sharply, breath leaving in a rush as she snapped, "That's not true." They were face to face in the dark and her eyes dropped to his lips. "I just want to see…" she focused back on his eyes.

"But I'm invisible," he replied with some echo of humour and she ached to help him. She leaned her forehead against his and shut her eyes. The touch connected them, made them one whole person…because she was broken too.

"I'm going to kiss you," she swallowed, voice catching.

He didn't respond immediately but she felt a small imperceptible nod of permission.

"Figured you might, sooner or later." There was no arrogance there. The reflection was on her. She absorbed it.

"I'm not very good at holding myself back," she admitted with a rueful smile and an undertone of warning.

"Good thing it's something I excel at then," he replied with ill-disguised self-hatred.

Her fingers jumped to his face fast enough to feel the bitter twist to his mouth. Missed opportunities etched into the skin.

"Don't do that Simon," she whispered and pressed her lips to his.

It was chaste and sweet and yet seared her to the core. It hurt to press her lips to his and feel him press his back. They were both thirsty and yet drowning.

They broke the kiss mutually, but Alex didn't open her eyes or move away. She was falling and breaking and dying. She wanted so much…but knew she didn't have enough, would never have enough.

"Would we fix each other or both shatter?" Simon echoed her thoughts. She tipped back and opened her eyes onto his. That hurt her too. "You didn't struggle to hold yourself back," he commented in self-disdain and she felt her heart break with a flare of anger.

"You have _no_ idea Simon," she snapped, but her voice cracked, and she realised that her cheeks were wet.

She watched his eyes widen at her response, and then soften.

"You are in love with Ryan, Alex." He said it like a gentle reminder, as though that were the only reason.

' _And you're in love with Rina,'_ she replied in her mind but did not say. She left the pause long enough to say it for her.

"Well," she smiled a little, "I better get back to bed." She stood and stepped back, and he did not stop her. This would disappear into the file of things that they didn't mention, but at least now they knew.

"Goo night Alex," Simon murmured, watching her with that unreadable gaze back in place.

"Good night Simon," she replied, equally softly, before disappearing into her bedroom.

Neither of them said sleep well. They both knew they would be lying awake until daylight came, thinking and regretting and wishing.


End file.
